Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Debt Ceiling Problems? Lower the Floor.
I was granted an exclusive interview with the world's foremost expert in the Debt Ceiling Crisis recently, and he reluctantly agreed to allow me to publish the interview here with the stipulation that I not reveal his identity. Imagine listening to this interview in the slowed down voice of Will Ferrell from this classic scene in "Old School". We shall refer to our Debt Ceiling Crisis Expert henceforth, as Fritz, since all people with that name ought to be wise and scholarly.
CK- Good morning. Lots of people are unwilling to admit they don't know enough about this issue to be as worried as CNN and FOX news says they should be. Can you help the general public get a grip on the Debt Ceiling Crisis for us?
Fritz- Good morning, and yes, I'm happy to help. Please imagine for a moment the largest stack of pancakes you can possibly imagine...Do you see it?
CK- Uh, yes. I see it.
How tall is it?
Well, almost as tall as me. It has a golden hue to it, glistening with Wisconsin Maple syrup. It's gorgeous.
No. Wrong. This is an analogy, so think bigger.
To the "ceiling"? That high? (I'm laughing, cleverly)
Son, the debt ceiling, if it were a stack of pancakes, would reach from your plate on the table, to SATURN. This is the magnitude of what we're talking about. Our National Debt is into the TRILLIONS. A trillion pancakes is so tall that most people can't even comprehend it.
What about that competitive eating champ? Aaaahh, shoot. You know the guy that got banned from the Nathan's Hot Dog competition...Could he imagine it?
You mean Joey Chestnut?
No no. The Asian kid that weighs 120 pounds. Kokomo?
Kobayashi?
YES! Could he eat the Debt Ceiling Pancake?
This is not about eating, this is about understanding the magnitude of the crisis we face. Forget the pancake analogy. Let me break it down more simply. The US has a credit score, just like you and I do, and we've attempted to keep it blemish free by borrowing when we need to and repaying our debt on time. Right now, our credit score is dangerously low. For decades, we've been the two buff dudes in the commercials with "749" across their chests. If we don't raise the Debt Ceiling or erase our debts by August 2nd, Moody's will downgrade us...we turn into the Fatty Arbuckle with the "510" and a hockey mask. Got it?
Moody's? What is that? A bar and grill for menopausal women? I'm picturing Kathy Bates checking ID's at the door...
No. For cripes sake. It's a credit rating agency which performs international financial research and analysis on commercial and government entities for the purpose of positioning them in the global investment market.
Uhhh...do you see the irony in that name? They rate the strength of a company or country's economy on any given day...and their name is Moody's?
Wow. You're right. That's like Zagat changing their name to "Deservedly Bitchy and Tired with 3 Hungry Kids"...
Totally!
Anyway, Moody's downgrades the credit worthiness of the US and experts agree there would be total financial chaos. The stock market would suffer terribly. Interest rates would climb. Because of your country's debt, which you repay as a taxpayer, you would be forced to pay private lenders 2 to 3 times as much to borrow private money. That's best case scenario. The downside includes 11% mortgages and 20% auto loans for good credit.
That's like letting the Car and Driver awards be chosen by a guy who walks to work everyday! Moody's...what a great name for a shitty bar where everbody hates your name. Oh! What if we came up with a company that rates how good a movie is and call it "Rotten Tomatoes"? The IRONY!! I love it, Fritz. While we're at it, let's hire Rupert Murdoch be the new spokesperson for ADT.
Do you not see the seriousness of this issue?
I do, but if the writing is on the wall and the WORLD knows that a credit default is imminent if we don't work out a deal, why don't the powers-that-be just carve out a deal that allows us to increase the debt ceiling temporarily while we find a long term, bi-partisan strategy to reduce the National debt through spending cuts in silly foreign wars, fat trimming on frivolous projects and imposing higher taxes for the uber wealthy that pay little to nothing?
Impossible. That would mean that someone would have to admit defeat in a pre-election year. Nobody is that stupid.
So this is political posturing for the 2012 election?
Jeez, dummy. Did you pay any attention to the NFL Lockout?
Sure. Why?
Same game...different name. Millionaires fighting millionaires over millions of YOUR dollars. What came of that debacle? Huh? Friend of mine told me that the collective bargaining agreement was reached 4 months ago, but that Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith played golf every day since then pretending to carry on the battle. Why? So there wouldn't be a perceived loser. The public salivates like rats waiting for the desired outcome, finding it implausible that they won't get it, but cautiously afraid that they might not. What if they don't have football? What will I CARE about this fall? During the waiting, posturing and fighting, the media gravitates over hot button issues that sell papers and ads and cause web traffic to spike. It's a big scam. You lose nothing but your self respect. You get football, and you'll gladly pay the increase in season ticket or parking prices because you got your crack back.
What's my crack in the debt ceiling debate?
National pride. History.
Can it really be fixed...the debt?
Sure. We can find middle ground. We could legalize marijuana and tax it. Legalize internet gambling and tax it. Keep the business in the private sector and let Uncle Sam have his share. End the Afghan and Middle East wars. Bring troops home to long term jobs. Let the private sector flourish. Stop letting GE and big oil off the hook for billions in untaxed profits. Bring the American dollar back to something with value. Burn clean coal and spend the profits finding free renewable energy...blah blah blah. So no. It can't be fixed, because we will likely never agree to do anything as a team. This is the World Series of Poker. Boehner has a 3-7 off suit. Obama has a pair of two's. The Flop was King, Queen, Ace. Rainbow. Fourth street was a 4. We're just waiting for someone to fold this shitbag.
You're getting really pessimistic and political. Is there any bright spot here that I can share?
Sure. A deal will be made. Just like the NFL. The 30 days of posturing will cause both sides to proclaim victory. Moody's should downgrade us now if they really wanted to prove a point. But they won't.
That's not really bright. Give me something that will make people feel better. Feel like we're getting somewhere as a country!
Moody's has two for one well drinks tonight from 8:00 to Midnight.
Good enough. I'm buying.
CK- Good morning. Lots of people are unwilling to admit they don't know enough about this issue to be as worried as CNN and FOX news says they should be. Can you help the general public get a grip on the Debt Ceiling Crisis for us?
Fritz- Good morning, and yes, I'm happy to help. Please imagine for a moment the largest stack of pancakes you can possibly imagine...Do you see it?
CK- Uh, yes. I see it.
How tall is it?
Well, almost as tall as me. It has a golden hue to it, glistening with Wisconsin Maple syrup. It's gorgeous.
No. Wrong. This is an analogy, so think bigger.
To the "ceiling"? That high? (I'm laughing, cleverly)
What about that competitive eating champ? Aaaahh, shoot. You know the guy that got banned from the Nathan's Hot Dog competition...Could he imagine it?
You mean Joey Chestnut?
No no. The Asian kid that weighs 120 pounds. Kokomo?
Kobayashi?
YES! Could he eat the Debt Ceiling Pancake?
This is not about eating, this is about understanding the magnitude of the crisis we face. Forget the pancake analogy. Let me break it down more simply. The US has a credit score, just like you and I do, and we've attempted to keep it blemish free by borrowing when we need to and repaying our debt on time. Right now, our credit score is dangerously low. For decades, we've been the two buff dudes in the commercials with "749" across their chests. If we don't raise the Debt Ceiling or erase our debts by August 2nd, Moody's will downgrade us...we turn into the Fatty Arbuckle with the "510" and a hockey mask. Got it?
No. For cripes sake. It's a credit rating agency which performs international financial research and analysis on commercial and government entities for the purpose of positioning them in the global investment market.
Uhhh...do you see the irony in that name? They rate the strength of a company or country's economy on any given day...and their name is Moody's?
Totally!
Anyway, Moody's downgrades the credit worthiness of the US and experts agree there would be total financial chaos. The stock market would suffer terribly. Interest rates would climb. Because of your country's debt, which you repay as a taxpayer, you would be forced to pay private lenders 2 to 3 times as much to borrow private money. That's best case scenario. The downside includes 11% mortgages and 20% auto loans for good credit.
That's like letting the Car and Driver awards be chosen by a guy who walks to work everyday! Moody's...what a great name for a shitty bar where everbody hates your name. Oh! What if we came up with a company that rates how good a movie is and call it "Rotten Tomatoes"? The IRONY!! I love it, Fritz. While we're at it, let's hire Rupert Murdoch be the new spokesperson for ADT.
Do you not see the seriousness of this issue?
I do, but if the writing is on the wall and the WORLD knows that a credit default is imminent if we don't work out a deal, why don't the powers-that-be just carve out a deal that allows us to increase the debt ceiling temporarily while we find a long term, bi-partisan strategy to reduce the National debt through spending cuts in silly foreign wars, fat trimming on frivolous projects and imposing higher taxes for the uber wealthy that pay little to nothing?
Impossible. That would mean that someone would have to admit defeat in a pre-election year. Nobody is that stupid.
So this is political posturing for the 2012 election?
Jeez, dummy. Did you pay any attention to the NFL Lockout?
Sure. Why?
Same game...different name. Millionaires fighting millionaires over millions of YOUR dollars. What came of that debacle? Huh? Friend of mine told me that the collective bargaining agreement was reached 4 months ago, but that Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith played golf every day since then pretending to carry on the battle. Why? So there wouldn't be a perceived loser. The public salivates like rats waiting for the desired outcome, finding it implausible that they won't get it, but cautiously afraid that they might not. What if they don't have football? What will I CARE about this fall? During the waiting, posturing and fighting, the media gravitates over hot button issues that sell papers and ads and cause web traffic to spike. It's a big scam. You lose nothing but your self respect. You get football, and you'll gladly pay the increase in season ticket or parking prices because you got your crack back.
What's my crack in the debt ceiling debate?
National pride. History.
Can it really be fixed...the debt?
Sure. We can find middle ground. We could legalize marijuana and tax it. Legalize internet gambling and tax it. Keep the business in the private sector and let Uncle Sam have his share. End the Afghan and Middle East wars. Bring troops home to long term jobs. Let the private sector flourish. Stop letting GE and big oil off the hook for billions in untaxed profits. Bring the American dollar back to something with value. Burn clean coal and spend the profits finding free renewable energy...blah blah blah. So no. It can't be fixed, because we will likely never agree to do anything as a team. This is the World Series of Poker. Boehner has a 3-7 off suit. Obama has a pair of two's. The Flop was King, Queen, Ace. Rainbow. Fourth street was a 4. We're just waiting for someone to fold this shitbag.
You're getting really pessimistic and political. Is there any bright spot here that I can share?
Sure. A deal will be made. Just like the NFL. The 30 days of posturing will cause both sides to proclaim victory. Moody's should downgrade us now if they really wanted to prove a point. But they won't.
That's not really bright. Give me something that will make people feel better. Feel like we're getting somewhere as a country!
Moody's has two for one well drinks tonight from 8:00 to Midnight.
Good enough. I'm buying.
Monday, January 26, 2009
TalkPick of the Week
Which came first, the Chicken McNugget or the Egg McMuffin?
Blatant thievery, that question; stolen directly from Little Jackie and her mega hit (as Wiki would say: citations needed. ) "The World Should Revolve Around Me".
Well, it doesn't.
The line she or some song(?)writer composed is definitely worthy of some discussion, though. It raises a philosophical and moral question that has been plaguing six year-olds for decades. It's a derivation of a riddle that is older than my favorite Ham Jam t-shirt depicting a pig's head being squeezed from the tap of a beer keg (1988), and older still than my brother's Mumpy (disgusting yellow security blanket which was sewn circa 1973 by a woman named Severance).
Its a McSong version of the age old question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" (Wiki says its Egg that evolved, in a landslide citations needed ). People have bantered on about the subject for Eons, and the revolving time-warp it puts your logical brain into is a classic dinner topic for farmers, The Duggars and most any family that owns the Little Jackie album (according to Wiki, there are seven such families You really need to find some citations, smartass. ).
Time honored traditions like a dinner topic are a lost art in today's world.
In my house alone it is possible, and not unlikely, for there to be dinner-time interference from 4 televisions, 3 Ipods, a computer, a Wii, a PS2, a Gameboy, two dogs and actual food chewing to get in the way of a family conversation. I am proud to say that we turn almost all electronic devices off during family meals unless the four of us agree that the episode of Drake and Josh that happens to be on is funny enough to warrant leaving the volume up in the family room loud enough for us to get the gist of what's actually happening on the screen. In these instances, we generally migrate one by one in toward the TV, salad bowls balanced on our heads and dinner rolls under our arms. We admit defeat to being TV slaves with barely a whimper as we crowd the couch.
Well not anymore America. My wife of 15 years has recently and proudly invented TalkPicks (Patent Pending, All Rights Reserved, Copyright 2009 anything you say will be held against you in a court of law...Citations needed), and the craze is coming to a disjointed dinner table near you.
TalkPicks is a play on words. Say is fast or without the aid of front teeth and it sounds like an already invented and patented word. Say it slow, and you have yourself a gold mine...and a really cool idea.
Every Sunday night becomes someone else's turn to pick the TalkPick. The first week she introduced it, I glared at her and tried to feign interest while listening to Drake argue with Josh about who would go and...never mind. She told us that, from now on, we would have a TalkPick every Sunday, and spend the rest of the week becoming fluent in that paticular subject for until it became retired on midnight of the Saturday hence (that's a fancy Olde English way for tossing it forward seven days, old school, yo).
Knowing that diving immediately into "Moon Landing Conspiracy Theory" would go directly over the heads of some of the members of our (Sam and Ben) family, she wisely chose Spongebob Squarepants as the innaugural TalkPick. And the ensuing conversation was absolutely glorious.
We talked as a family for 45 minutes. I was so engrossed, I forgot to eat my broccoli (citations propbably needed). We talked about our favorite characters, episodes, sayings and conspiracy theories. We talked about animation, the time it takes to make one episode (six months to a year), the reason the show enjoyed longevity and even how plausible it was that Spongebob would ever need to clean a restaurant floor using a bucket of water and mop when said restaurant happens to be resting at the bottom of the ocean floor. It was truly glorious.
The next week, we selected World Records as our TalkPick at Sunday dinner. There was some huffing and puffing at first because it seemed dull compared to Mr. Squarepants and company, but my eldest son rescued the day with his Herculean effort to right the ship. He came home from school on Monday afternoon having absconded (checked out from the library) the 2008 Guinness Book of World Records. It was a field day. Did you know that the record for most pushups by a 38 year old man is 56 in one day (held by yours truly (citations needed)) )?? Did you?
My point, however difficult to see, is that we now have a bonafide tradition in my house involving feeling, conversation and words as opposed to Megabytes, HTML and Wikipedia citations.
Because of this beautiful and soon-to-be-permanent tradition in our house, I can now explain to my boys how life used to be at the dinner table without sending a single text message.
BRB. ROTFLMAO.
Blatant thievery, that question; stolen directly from Little Jackie and her mega hit (as Wiki would say: citations needed. ) "The World Should Revolve Around Me".
Well, it doesn't.
The line she or some song(?)writer composed is definitely worthy of some discussion, though. It raises a philosophical and moral question that has been plaguing six year-olds for decades. It's a derivation of a riddle that is older than my favorite Ham Jam t-shirt depicting a pig's head being squeezed from the tap of a beer keg (1988), and older still than my brother's Mumpy (disgusting yellow security blanket which was sewn circa 1973 by a woman named Severance).
Its a McSong version of the age old question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" (Wiki says its Egg that evolved, in a landslide citations needed ). People have bantered on about the subject for Eons, and the revolving time-warp it puts your logical brain into is a classic dinner topic for farmers, The Duggars and most any family that owns the Little Jackie album (according to Wiki, there are seven such families You really need to find some citations, smartass. ).
Time honored traditions like a dinner topic are a lost art in today's world.
In my house alone it is possible, and not unlikely, for there to be dinner-time interference from 4 televisions, 3 Ipods, a computer, a Wii, a PS2, a Gameboy, two dogs and actual food chewing to get in the way of a family conversation. I am proud to say that we turn almost all electronic devices off during family meals unless the four of us agree that the episode of Drake and Josh that happens to be on is funny enough to warrant leaving the volume up in the family room loud enough for us to get the gist of what's actually happening on the screen. In these instances, we generally migrate one by one in toward the TV, salad bowls balanced on our heads and dinner rolls under our arms. We admit defeat to being TV slaves with barely a whimper as we crowd the couch.
Well not anymore America. My wife of 15 years has recently and proudly invented TalkPicks (Patent Pending, All Rights Reserved, Copyright 2009 anything you say will be held against you in a court of law...Citations needed), and the craze is coming to a disjointed dinner table near you.
TalkPicks is a play on words. Say is fast or without the aid of front teeth and it sounds like an already invented and patented word. Say it slow, and you have yourself a gold mine...and a really cool idea.
Every Sunday night becomes someone else's turn to pick the TalkPick. The first week she introduced it, I glared at her and tried to feign interest while listening to Drake argue with Josh about who would go and...never mind. She told us that, from now on, we would have a TalkPick every Sunday, and spend the rest of the week becoming fluent in that paticular subject for until it became retired on midnight of the Saturday hence (that's a fancy Olde English way for tossing it forward seven days, old school, yo).
Knowing that diving immediately into "Moon Landing Conspiracy Theory" would go directly over the heads of some of the members of our (Sam and Ben) family, she wisely chose Spongebob Squarepants as the innaugural TalkPick. And the ensuing conversation was absolutely glorious.
We talked as a family for 45 minutes. I was so engrossed, I forgot to eat my broccoli (citations propbably needed). We talked about our favorite characters, episodes, sayings and conspiracy theories. We talked about animation, the time it takes to make one episode (six months to a year), the reason the show enjoyed longevity and even how plausible it was that Spongebob would ever need to clean a restaurant floor using a bucket of water and mop when said restaurant happens to be resting at the bottom of the ocean floor. It was truly glorious.
The next week, we selected World Records as our TalkPick at Sunday dinner. There was some huffing and puffing at first because it seemed dull compared to Mr. Squarepants and company, but my eldest son rescued the day with his Herculean effort to right the ship. He came home from school on Monday afternoon having absconded (checked out from the library) the 2008 Guinness Book of World Records. It was a field day. Did you know that the record for most pushups by a 38 year old man is 56 in one day (held by yours truly (citations needed)) )?? Did you?
My point, however difficult to see, is that we now have a bonafide tradition in my house involving feeling, conversation and words as opposed to Megabytes, HTML and Wikipedia citations.
Because of this beautiful and soon-to-be-permanent tradition in our house, I can now explain to my boys how life used to be at the dinner table without sending a single text message.
BRB. ROTFLMAO.
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