Pour some sugar on me?

In August of 42,000 BC, man invented the music festival. Kinda like a Kit Kat commercial, it was unintentional and the timing was critical. One man salaciously tore a piece of pterodactyl sinew from a leg bone in the key of E. At the precise moment thereafter, another cave-mate pulled thirty-seven hairs from his newly betrothed's head...in C major. Combined with the back to back thumping of mammoth bones on a rock from a nearby toddler, they formed a song. People stopped what they were doing and watched as Austrelo and Pithicus repeated their pluckings and tearings while Bam Bam beat the rock in perfect time. Someone blew on a leaf for a nice high pitch...and Grandpa flatulated perfectly at the crescendo. Together, they made music that day, though none had an idea of the future impact of their ensemble. And 44,000 years later, that song is still better than anything Cher ever sang.

I shouldn't judge Cher's music, because music is personal. Music really shouldn't be judged- though critics, fans and musicians themselves judge music every day. Its personal and you can't tell me what to like, which is why there are so many genres, sub-genres and garage bands. A song I liked in third grade might have sentimental value to me...but my third grader might hear it and have a slightly different opinion. Music is art. Art is subjective. End of blog. (Cher sucks. Now its over.)

Not quite. Music- the playing of instruments- is subjective. Lyrics are not. Lyrics are the words the musicians sing, and they range from the sublime:


I smoke two joints in the morning, I smoke two joints at night (yeah man)
I smoke two joints in the afternoon, it makes me feel alright  (you should take a break man)
I smoke two joints in time of peace, and two in time of war  (you want to play yahtzee or something?)
I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints, and then I smoke two more. (I can't keep up, man)


to the savage:

I want to stand with you on a mountain. (oh pahleease..)
I want to bathe with you in the sea.  (probably not sanitary or legal.)
I want to lay like this forever.    (what if my arm falls asleep?)
Until the sky falls down on me...    (my uncle Carlo can arrange that.)

The first is a reader submitted tune from, fittingly, Sublime. While they wrote songs not intended to be unbelievable in their lyrical quality, that one really does hit a low note in creativity. I thought smoking weed made you break out in a fit of total consciousness? Thanks Amy...I do love me some Sublime, though.

The second is a sappy, unrealistic offering from a "band" called Savage Garden. They don't make this post because of their horrible lyrics, but simply because I cannot imagine sitting around any coffee shop or recording studio and coming up with that as a name for a group. Savage Garden? It's not even a good oxymoron. Hey guys, want to sound tough and luxurious? How about Lava Bath? Maybe you should call yourselves Shards of Glass at a Baby Shower? Bubble Knife?

My friend Sandy sent in a really great suggestion for bad lyrics, but she missed out on the real homerun. Her disdain for Neil Diamond's "I am, I said" lyrics are understandable, but if you really want to see bad, you need to dig a little deeper into Neil's catalog. Take for example the 1972 hit, "Play Me". It got a lot of sweaty moms sitting around the turntable all fired up (and he has a knack for the sweet lovesong and the uber-overdramatic climax in his songs). I think Neil was at his sweatiest (if you know what I mean) in about 1972. He was melting people's underwear off during every live show, so its hard to blame him for basically secreting cheese from his forehead when he sings this song live. Go listen to "Play Me" at this link to see what I mean. Oh, and dammit,  I love you Neil Diamond. I can't quit you.

"You are the sun
I am the moon
You are the song
I am the tune...PLAY ME!"

I keep waiting for him to literally drop his pants right when he gets to the last line...and someone would, probably. Play him.

Neil and Barbara hit the top of the charts in 1978 (speaking of songs that were popular when I was in third grade) with "You Don't Bring Me Flowers". When they took over the top spot, exactly 32 years ago this week, they beat out Donna Summer's rendition of "McArthur Park" (great suggestion Ed). This is a bad song, made only listenable by Donna's terrific voice. Pay attention to the lines, and you realize you're losing IQ points: (listen to Richard Harris (yes, Dead Dumbledore) sing it here. You'll love the last 5 seconds)

"Someone left a cake out in the rain.
I don't think that I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again...oh noo!"

Somehow, when you hear Donna sing it, you miss how dumb it is. Truthfully, almost every big hit in 1978 had lyrics that were acid and cocaine fueled, late-night disco drivel. I guarantee you some of those guys are 1.) glad they survived and 2.) laughing at every royalty check like its a bad joke.

Lots of people submitted the Lady Antebellum hit, "Need You Now" when asked about bad song lyrics; mostly I am guessing, because of the line where the girl says, "It's a quarter after one...I'm a little drunk and I need you now." Sorry, this isn't about songs that annoy the hell out of you...its about bad lyrics. Those are great lyrics. She means quarter after one in the afternoon by the way. Now how do like it? I say ten more points on the awesome scale.

Also had a lot of hands raised for John Mayer. My old friend Jessica sent his in: (and by "old friend" I mean her age)

"Say what you need to say. Say what you need to say.
Say what you need to say. Say what you need to say."

Please John, take you own advice. But if the repetition of a lyric made it bad (see "Thank You" by Natalie Merchant, who I want to slap if I ever meet because of that song) then we wouldn't have some of our most treasured classics. And in turn, making up filler sounds isn't about writing bad lyrics...its about scat and its jazzy and it has a place. For the ultimate Filler plus Repetition lyrics, listen to the last two minutes of the Beatles "Hey Jude" or all of "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Stones. I hate that song...but you can listen to the 314,000 times Ron Wood and Keith Richards sing, "Hoot Hoooo!" in falsetto by clicking here.

John Mayer's real brilliance came in his first hit. Once again, the tune was snappy, so we hum along to it and sing it and don't listen to how dumb we sound...To wit, I challenge you to quiet the room at your Thanksgiving dinner this year and recite this as if reading a poem:

"I am invincible
I am invincible
I am invincible
as long as I'm alive
I want to run through the halls of my high school
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
just a lie you've got to rise above
I just can't wait for my ten year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
and when I stand on these tables before you
you will know what all this time was for."

If someone doesn't form tackle you before you finish, I suggest you quietly get a good last look at anyone you considered a friend and head for the exit.

My friend Rob brought up another sub-genre in bad lyrics when he called out America's "Horse With No Name"...forced rhyming.

"You see I've been through the desert on a horse with no name,
it felt good to be out of the rain (doing good so far with the rhyming guys...nice work)
In the desert, you can remember your name (uhhh, already used that word, but ok)
Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain."

What? I imagine Yoda, wearing a cowboy hat and playing a tiny guitar singing that line.

Andy suggested another terrific forced rhyme from The Beastie Boys (who in this instance fit the bill of being both sublime and savage) from their song, "Professor Booty":

"You've got the boomin' system
But it's blasting out doo-doo
You think it's chocolate milk
But it's watered down yoo-hoo"

Come on guys...nobody expects Paul Simon, but how about a little less Funkel and a little more ArtGar?

I could probably write a thousand pages on this subject as bad lyrics are easier to find than I thought, but I'll close with the cosmically-worst lyrical song ever. Many have tried, but few have ever reached the murky depths of bad as the B52's hit when their Chrysler (that's as big as a WHALE) bottomed out with "Rock Lobster". This song has everything... forced rhymes, suckiness, a bad beat, weird shrieking and chanting, and dreadful lyrics (actually it has a great surf guitar hook, but it gets choked). I guess I should say that this song has nothing. Here it is for you that forgot it or never had the pleasure. Nice add, Brett.

Of course, anyone who ever saw me perform "Rain Drop", the only hit by a band I sang for in the late 80's called SKB (the Sweet Kick Butt Band) might have an argument in favor of never letting me judge anything musical. But you didn't.

"I feel like a raindrop
Falling, falling for you"

You get the idea.

Cher sucks.