In the Mail: Honk if you're horny vs. Have a good day

I don't have many readers per se, but some of you are vocal enough to warrant reprint of your comments to me, both personal and public, regarding past blogs. In a sense, I'm ripping this idea from Bill Simmons, who ripped it from Dave Barry, who stole it from me during my days as a Branding Iron columnist in Laramie, Wyoming when I wrote a fake advice column under the pseudo-pseudonym "Dear Fred". In other words, these requests, discussion points and criticisms are mostly made up, but lend themselves to more funny fodder for me to expound upon.

Mary R. in Chicago emailed...

"A blog entry every three weeks? That's a little skinny, no? Maybe you could spend less time on Mario Bros. Wii and more time with a pen. You're the one calling yourself an aspiring writer."

Mary, thanks for the inspiring words. Also, thanks for somehow installing a web cam in my house and watching what I do when I'm not writing. How many fingers am I holding up?
To your point...I'm trying to be more energetic with words. I want to be profound and topical. Unfortunately, I have to go to work every day and make donuts. I'm tryin. You'll see.

Dave from Denver Co. emailed...

"I like your blog. It's insightful, creative and inspiring. It gives me something to talk to my friends and family with every day. You are a true wordsmith. Keep up the great work, Cory."

Hey Dave! Thanks for the note. However, I think you meant to send this to Cory Feldman. The full text you sent also refers to "Dream a Little Dream" and being "sorry for my loss...it's tough to say goodbye to your best friend" and things that make me think you meant to send it to Feldman. In fact, Feldman forwarded the one you intended to send me, and it read:

"Your blog is weird. I'm afraid I don't get it. Get linear."

Thanks for that Dave. If by linear you mean making reference to Eddie Vedder's beard gristle in the same sentence whereupon I'm trying to relay my disdain for Fyodor Dostoyevsky...I hear what your saying. It's a slippery slope.

Lisa from KC messaged me....

"Um, I kind of liked the blog about hackneyed phrases in the English language. I'm definitely not saying I like your blog. I don't. At least, not yet. It's not linear and it doesn't have enough, you know, content. But you could expand on that list of horrible phrases that need to go away and it might make me like it a little more. Maybe."

Lisa, you frighten children. But, I'm a sucker for even the most backhanded compliment...anything to make you happy.

And now for more non-linear and thinly sliced looks at anachronistic sayings we need to purge from our popular speech!

There have been moments when I caught myself saying or repeating something that made me wish I'd included it in the 2010 Banned List of Words and Phrases. There are simply hundreds of things we say to each other that are lazy and trivial and need to be sharpened and thought about or discarded. It's basically like having a clutter purge and grarage sale of the overused expressions we overuse without expression.

"A watched pot never boils."

Something someone says to you when you are anxious.
Imagine being 12 years old and waiting by the front door for your best friend to come and pick you up to go camping. Imagine your crusty old man walks into the room and glares at you and your backpack...glancing at his bare wrist to imply that he sees you have twenty minutes left to wait for the scheduled pickup time...

"A watched pot never boils," the watch-less old crankshaft says to you.
(How many fingers is he holding up when I turn my back on him, Mary in Chicago?)

What a stupid thing to say. A watched pot never...Yes it does. A watched or unwatched pot boils at 212 degrees farenheit. It takes a while to get there. You don't just snap your flipping fingers and have a cup of coffee. If you turn the heat up and stand there it'll boil pretty quickly. Hell, electric stoves these days can boil water in thirty three seconds. If you dunk a live hand grenade in a pot of water, it will boil.

What you mean to say is, "Stop being so anxious...it's pissing me off as a relaxed person who doesn't share your enthusiasm to watch you wait anxiously. My blood pressure is rising to match yours and I need to chill out and make you do the same.  I, too, wish your friend would arrive and whisk you away for the weekend so I can watch football in my underwear for the next 48 hours."

"Never say never and and never say always."

So dumb. I can tell you a million reasons why this is completely false.
1. I never want to press a thumbtack into my eyeball.
2. I always close my eyes when I sneeze.
3. I never shared a doobie with Chris Farley or John Belushi.
4. You always smile when you think about Chris Farley singing Fat Guy in a Little Coat."

Do I need to keep going? I always win this argument, and conversely I will never lose it.

"You staying out of trouble?"

People say this to you after you say hello to them. People say this to you when they don't know anything about you or what you do in your spare time. People just batter the snot out of this phrase one and it's not always pretty...

Father McDonaghy: "Hello there."

Person: "Hey Padre. How you been? You stayin out of trouble?"

Father McDonaghy: "Why? What have you heard?"

And while I can't remember using this phrase, it ranks right up there with the

I don't know or don't remember your name salutations we revert to in a crisis.

They include referring to someone as:

"Hey... Chief*"

* The list is massive, but accordingly shrunken to these examples

"Bud!"

"Man!"

"Dude!"

"Kiddo!"

"Fella!"

"You!"

"Holmes!"

"Stranger!"

And so on. We all do it. It's a shame these conversations can't be more honest.

Person approaching me: "Hey Chris...how've you been?"

Me: "I have been fine, person I think I should know! What is your name? This is weird. You called me by my name but I've temporarily forgotten yours."

Person standing in front of me shaking my hand with a blank stare on his face: "It's me, Casey."

Me: "Oh right! Casey! Man, great to see you old friend! You look terrific, Casey!"

Casey: "Keefe. Your brother. Casey Keefe."

Me: "Uh, well take it easy there, Chief."

In the world of customer service, there are some really annoying ones we need to toss out.

"Have a good day."

Even at your angriest, have you ever uttered the opposite to someone?

You: "Well, your service here is awful."
Waiter: "Sorry dude, we're understaffed."
You: "Have a shitty day."

Wanting someone to have a good day is pretty much implied. Unless you're talking about opposing soldiers in the battlefield, two people in the same vicinity of one another generally want the other one to have a good day. Even after the Super Bowl, 350 lb. lineman from different teams slap each other on the ass and say, "Good game. Have a good rest of your day."

We gotta come up with an alternate "walk away" phrase, or better yet, about twenty of them to put into rotation that actually express some meaning. I don't know, like...

"Don't get hit by a bus!"
"Exit through the door there and go back to your car. Drive home and enjoy surfing the internet for pictures of J-Wow."
"Don't forget to brush your teeth later."
"Honk if you're horny."
"I hope you find a ten dollar bill in an old jacket tonight."
"That was a weird conversation we had about the weather just now...let's promise each other to never do that again."
"I hope you win a radio call in contest this month!"
"You have a goofy face, but you were fun to chat with."


That's all for now. Have a good day.

Are you it?

Remember playing "tag" when you were a kid. Do you ever watch kids play tag now that you're grown? I chuckle watching the kid who unwittingly becomes "it". He take the responsibility so seriously. When you get tagged, you need to get rid if "it" and pass it on to someone else, chop chop. Being "it" kind of sucks, but hey...you're the one who got tagged. Do something about it....you can't just stand there. 

So I was talking to my Mom yesterday when this idea hit me. An exemplary citizen, my Mom, and quite possibly the most conscientious person walking the planet. As such, I draw a lot of my strength and inspiration from her. Let's face it, resiliency is never easy, especially when it comes to growing older, learning from mistakes and trying to become a better person. Stiffness is much easier. Rigidity comes naturally. Doing nothing is much easier than bending over backwards.

To my point, my Mom has the joyful task of grandmothering my 4 month old niece lots of weekends this summer. She and Quincy Rose have spent some really good time together (I'm jealous) and you can literally hear it in her voice. It gives her deep and sweet peace to be in the same room with her newest grandchild. My brother and his wife went through a lot to get to this point in their lives. They have been so patient and determined, and they are excellent parents in complete love with their daughter. They are lucky to have a grandmother nearby to free them up...and I know they appreciate that fact. But it takes a lot to commit your time every weekend. It takes a lot and she doesn't feel even slightly obligated. She'd have it no other way than to pack a suitcase and drive an hour there and back through 1-25 traffic. Sounds like a standard grandparent, but not everyone is like that.

You have to have giving in your blood. You have to work at it for a long time for it to seep into your veins. It gets easier over time. You get good at giving it all away and not feeling drained. You get back far more (silently) than you give. You don't get giving in your blood without resiliency and practice. You gotta do a lotta back bends.

As my Mom is telling me about her summer of repeated two and three day stays in Denver to watch QR, I'm wondering how impactful that intentional and quiet donation of your time could be if we re-directed it around our neighborhoods, workplaces and to strangers.

Here comes the liberal in me...tearing out from under my moderate summer skin.

You and I do not, as a rule, give enough of ourselves to others. You and I are selfish.

I know there have been countless national efforts to stir people to donate time or money to a charitable cause. I'm not talking about the (wonderful) Salvation Army or (fantastic) Habitat for Humanity. I'm not talking about organized volunteerism, not referring to any activity that yields you a T-shirt or a certificate of completion. I'm not even talking about Random Acts of Kindness. Those are terrific, but people could be overflowing with R.A.K if they were raised up right and taught to open doors for people and say "Bless you" to a sneezing stranger in the grocery store. Teach your kids to do that, please.

I'm talking about intentionally and specifically giving of yourself, your time and your effort all day every day on a conscious and subconscious level to people around you who are capable of doing the same once they see you mean it and it makes you feel good. I guess I'm talking about collectivism. And no, I'm not suggesting socialism.

I think we can live in this country and have progressive and capitalistic blood in our veins and still give it all away every single day...knowing that others would be giving it back in our direction. It would be hard work. It would require serious effort. It would be risky. (See Our Founding Fathers, Pioneers). And don't think I mean give away your fortune each night after a hard day of work. I don't think you should deposit your paycheck into a stranger's checking account. Moreover, I'm not advocating making the same deposit into a panhandling cup. But you owe somebody thirty minutes a day. After that, you can do what you want. If you still feel good giving after an hour, keep going.

I see it as three tiered, this notion of collectivism. On level one you've got Random Acts of Kindness. RAK's are quick, on the spot, and they feel good. Good to give and get. Few and far between sometimes, but evident in our culture and recognized when you give one or get one as going out of your way. On level three, you have full time selfless souls like Mother Theresa and a relatively short list of people who exclusively give without ever needing to receive. Most on this list refuse to receive anything in return for their full donation of self. So like any pyramid, there are very few people at the top, tons of people struggling to get up to and stay in the middle, and too many people piling up at the bottom doing little or nothing. TAG's are the way to get out of the cluttered basement. TAG's are your ticket to level two. Eat it, Abraham Mazlow.

I challenge you to commit a Targeted Act of Giving. It probably takes less than thirty minutes out of your life. TAG a person and keep giving to them unrelentingly and never ever question if they pass the TAG along. Intend to do all this silently and without them noticing. Trust that they will; like that insurance commercial where people see a guy hold the elevator open for a lady and then the lady from the elevator subconsciously passes on the random act of kindness and the world becomes more responsible...Except you do it on purpose. With all your heart and without expecting anything in return.

I can't tell you what your TAG is going to be. It would kill the spirit to try to list some ideas of what I think you might do, and I won't bore you with what I intend to do (or keep doing). But if you're having a hard time imagining what I'm suggesting, walk outside and look around you. Do you have a neighbor that could use some help with cleaning their gutters? Do you have a ladder and a free hour?

Go to work and look at your office mates. Does someone need an ear because they are having a really rough time with a spouse? Do you have an ear and ten minutes? Someone need $50 to get them through to payday? Don't expect it back, and put it in an unmarked envelope discreetly in their desk when they aren't looking.

Imagine your family tree as a giant mural...I can almost guarantee you that a phone call for no reason to someone on that tree would do some good.

Keep it going. Forge and don't expect thank you cards. Move on to giving to people who may not need anything. Be a pioneer about it. Give to those close to you...your friends, spouse or kids. Give them your time and energy. TAG them and see how they change. And be prepared to receive. Be prepared for people to return the giving in your direction. Accept it wholeheartedly and without guilt. You're "it" again, brothers and sisters.

Being "it" sucks, right? Not really. It is hard work and it means you have to go after people and leave your comfort zone. It means you feel alone, too. But if you smile, being "it" keeps the game going, and people keep playing.

Enough blabber. I got stuff to do.

I'm "it".

   

Fear and Self Loathing in Cleveland

This is my knee jerk, off the cuff, forgive me for the typo version of a blog I can't not write.

What the hell just happened?

I just spent really valuable time in my life caring about LeBron James, a guy who used to be a kid I liked. An athlete I used to admire for his talent. Another selfish idiot.

Who in the world deserves that type of adoration? NOBODY. I watched the entire "show".

I am the problem. I am the reason advertisers signed on and paid him to tell us he was selling out. I'm the fringe NBA fan that spent reserve time away from family to put up with that shit.

I cannot absorb the depth of selfishness I just witnessed.

Sorry Cleveland. As a KC resident I can sort of feel your pain. You guys loved that kid. You adored him. You invested 101% of your sports 401k in that kid (and maybe some of you put a couple bucks in Brady Quinn stock). You bought his jersey, watched his shoott arounds and listened to his talk show. You kicked Drew Carey to the curb for this kid and he just peed on your lawn.

I'm so pissed.

He had a chance to do something really cool with that TV show. Show some highlights. Talk about his choices. Wax poetic about life in Ohio. Introduce his newest teammate, Chris Paul and start down the road to Cleveland fame and lore. Even make sense of the setting. Instead, he uses this purchased time with ESPN to pimp out twenty kids from the Boys an Girls club ("Sorry kids...it's not the Knicks!") and ressurects Jim Grey to say nothing, do nothing, and make me feel like a complete idiot for caring about the NBA.

The NBA is the most selfish league in the world. I am an idiot for not realizing it until now.

This is all my fault.

Thank you Ubaldo Jimenez, Soccer, quiet signings like Paul "The most loyal guy in the world" Pierce, Paul Goydos for shooting a 59, women's beach volleyball and anything except the NBA for being around today.

Lebron, you could win 15 championships and you would still be the biggest sell-out, whore, misguided bandwagon guy I ever saw on TV. Of course, I lined your pockets tonight and watched the show, and I wrote this backlash blog...so you got what you wanted, what the "Stars" of the NBA all want...the spotlight.

Well, it's one bulb dimmer after that garbage.