I'm rarely critical of politicians. Check my record. I love them all and hate them all equally.
I despise their power. I am entranced by their worthiness or lack thereof. I am horrified by their politics. I am begging for normalcy in a vacuum designed to leak.
Somehow (maybe its my issue and not theirs) I'm drawn to talking about them. I guess in a vacuum, you need dirt. And in a bag of dirt, you need a cleansing agent or a filter. Otherwise, all you have is a bag of dirt.
Let me once again opine about the current topic of the day, which happens to involve our (seemingly) unlucky at-least-in-this-case-44Th Commander in Chief.
I don't apologize for people I've never met. I've never met our President. By the transitive property (my favorite property in mathematics aside from a little known lemma entitled "The Florence Lemma: A study of 'The Florence Lemma'...by Florence Lemma") I cannot apologize for Obama's actions, principles, legislation, ideals, hairstyles, choice in dog or massively unexpected wins in World Peace Medal competitions. Had I known, by the way, that winning the Nobel Prize for whichever selected category carried $1,400,000 clams as a "bonus" to actually hoisting the medal with Alfred's golden noggin forged into it, I can promise that I damn sure would have tried harder to bring peace to the world than I already have.
Things I've done to bring peace to the world:
-I changed a flat tire for a MAN in the parking lot of the Credit Union where I work. (Note: I didn't do this. Someone I work with did. I didn't fire him for wasting time on the job so that gets me big points.)
-I stopped a fight between my dog and the substitute Mailman she was attacking a couple of months ago. By all accounts he was just doing his job. Of course, if my dog could talk we would have the whole story and I'm sure he teased her or something devious. Either way, I stopped it and that's all that matters.
-I bargained with a would-be swindler at my local Farmer's Market over a loaf of bread she supposedly "hand-baked" and eventually got her to give it to me for free since the market was closed and she was tired of arguing with me. Don't give me that "hand-baked" crap you swindler... Everyone knows that bread grows out of the ground like pumpkins and pineapple and bacon.
Now, my credentials are pretty sweet and it would be hard for most of you to put up a resume that would rival it if we were both to enter the Nobel Peace Prize Contest officially at the committee website (http://www.gimmethepeaceprize.com/).
As it turns out, you don't even have to own a computer (much less register for the drawing) in order to win the sweepstakes.
Ponder this if you will, and bear in mind that I've asked this question in mixed company a couple of times with the expected mixed results..."Who do you think got second place behind Obama?"
Crickets covering the mouth of their young under a 50 lb. bag of flour in your basement couldn't describe the silence that question provokes. And you know why?
Because this is the first time in the recent history of the Nobel Peace Prize Sweepstakes that anybody ever really cared who won. Because it's polarizing. Because it's "news".
Who won the Super Bowl in 1997 and 1998?
-The Denver Broncos
Who leads the AFC West this year at 5-0 despite being predicted by lukewarm fans to finish 2-14?
-The Denver Broncos
Who played Mark Ratner in Fast Times at Ridgemont High?
See? You went 3 for 3 on that quiz and it still doesn't make sense. So why exactly is it that you can't even name another plausible candidate for Runner-Up at this year's Nobel Super Sweepstakes? I know you're scouring your brain for a name, so let me give you a couple that I suspect might have been close to the prize that Obama claimed by virtue of their contributions to World Peace last year...
-Me (the dog thing is pretty compelling)
-Kate Gosselin's Lawyer
-The Actress Who Played Ahmadinejad's Wife on SNL last week
Okay, we all got second.
Even Tucker Carlson was quoted as saying that this prize was the last thing BHO could have possibly wanted...the bar just got raised for him right beyond the area where NASA shot the moon with rockets...to search for water...on the moon.
Why aren't we criticizing this move? Shooting a rocket at the moon? What if we blew it up? What if the moon fired back at us?
I might dedicate the next 11 months to brokering a peace treaty between the Earth and the good people of the Moon. Not in the hopes of winning the 2010 Nobel Rock Star Prize, of course, but because I'm genetically engineered to solve problems for the most altruistic reasons. Plus, if the people of the Moon do have this water we're searching for, they're going to be way more likely to allow me to have exclusive rights to bottle and distribute it here on Earth.
Everyone wins. That's how you make peace.
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