FACEBOOK.
What does the combination of words even mean?
There is sometimes a FACE, but absolutely no sighting of a BOOK within a thousand miles. The FACE is voluntary, contrived, and very often a group shot that catches you in just the right light.
The worst is (admittedly) when you can see the arm of the FACE taking the picture because there is nobody around you to take your picture when you think you look cool so you can post it on FACEBOOK. So you take it yourself and try to crop your arm out of the shot and make it look like someone just happened to catch you solo, laughing enormously at something funny at sunset on your back porch with fall foliage bursting in the background and the sky is perfectly blue. Not staged at all. Oh, and you brushed your teeth before the "arm" took the picture. Maybe that's just me.
Why is the world so quickly falling in love with and then becoming crack-embroiled in the workings of a free website designed to expand social interaction? I'll tell you why...because it's like going back in a time machine and having a beer with your friends without having to also find them a ride home/pay the tab/explain why you hit on their girlfriend/laugh at their receeding hairlines/actually go to your reunions/express how you really feel/deal with your past sins/see how it all turned out for your enemies/root for the saved ones/see who is dead/see who got married despite your belief they never would/check out their weird looking offspring/show off your non-weird, perfectly awesome looking offspring/boast of your accomplishments/pretend you love hip-hop/discuss politics without having to debate in person/and end your chat sessions with a "gotta run!" rather than sneaking out the back door of the party kind of hangout.
(As much as I'd like to admit that that was a run on sentence for those of you that monitor that kind of thing, I will tell you now that it wasn't even close to being a run on sentence and that this sentence is a run on sentence if there ever was a run on sentence in the history of run on sentences.)
I have friends that rode motorcycles through graveyards aimlessly while flipping through porno mags and drinking Nighttrain who now regularly post things like, "Me and Tyler are going to Elmo on Ice at 3:00!!! Can't wait!" What I wouldn't give for a time machine to go back to '85 and show that guy his status in 2009.
FACEBOOK. HEROIN. SLOT MACHINES. ROOTING FOR THE CUBS. WATCHING DANCING WITH THE STARS. EATING A GALLON OF ICE CREAM. What do these things all have in common?
Nothing. The rest are just things you do when you're bored and have low self esteem. Facebook is the most serious addiction problem facing our nation today*. In fact*, a recent study showed that 97 of 100 polled Americans replied that they update their "Status" on Facebook every time they urinate...
*Not really fact. Repeat, completely made-up gibberish. Kind of like Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Maybe the best way to accentuate my point would be to take you on a little tour of my personal Facebook page to shed some light on the seriousness of the problem
Perhaps the most troubling thing to jump up on my home page is the bartering from Mafia Wars. What is it you ask? I don't know. Someone from East Lansing just asked someone from Georgia to send them a Five of Diamonds and then offered to reciprocate with a rare painting from Michaelangelo in order to boost their energy.
I am completely lost and don't play Mafia Wars...but every one of my 312 (jealous?) friends does, and somehow I think I'm missing out on some free cash or real crack or a shot at being the Dom. (Which would suck, because I need all that stuff)
Which of the Four Beatles are you Most Like?
My friend Sharon from Valencia is most like John. Good to know in case we ever meet in person.
Which cities have you ever lived in? I saw one the other day that said (not making this up*) 1.)Casper, WY 2.) Mills, WY 3.) Alcova, WY 4.) Caspar, WY 5.) Bangkok, Thailand in a tent for four painful months and then hurried back to Mills after a severe caning.
*Fabricated. And not intended to poke fun at Casper, I love Casper.
I look at my Facebook page through my mobile phone a couple times a day, just to make sure people are:
-Awake!
-Having coffee!
-Playing with the kids!
-Loving this coffee!
-Can't believe it's Monday!
-Ready for Friday!!!!!!
-Need some more Java!!
-Eating some lunch at a restaurant!
-Is. (This one gets me every time...so existential. I've done it. Chris Keefe (dramatic pause) is.)
-Ready to go home!!
-Eating a snack!!
-Hating this job, so I need some COFFEE!
-Driving an automobile and eating a snack and posting my status as to such!
-Having beers! (insert wine, cocktails, drinks, etc. Nobody ever seems to say: "Myron Elkenstock is: blowing up a fatty with strangers!" or, "Kelly Junkolowski is: hallucinating and stabbing homeless people!!" or Leroy Keller is: not going to to take it anymore, fellow Postal Workers!")
-Ready for bed! :(
-Cannot sleep...:(
-Awake and mainlining REDBULL!!
But I love this stuff. It helps me understand how normal I am to care about it and to hope that other people care about me.
My greatest thrill is to post something like, "Chris is: having a difficult time understanding the contents of his briefcase!!?? WTF?? " and having 35 people say they "Like This!" or comment about the time they found a dead squirrel in their briefcase and had to explain it away to the authorities. It makes me feel real and normal and connected.
Thanks, Facebook creator, for giving me a class reunion every 11 minutes.
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