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Thursday, April 23, 2009

Man, I like Facebook. There. I said it.


FACEBOOK.
What does the combination of words even mean?
There is sometimes a FACE, but absolutely no sighting of a BOOK within a thousand miles. The FACE is voluntary, contrived, and very often a group shot that catches you in just the right light.
The worst is (admittedly) when you can see the arm of the FACE taking the picture because there is nobody around you to take your picture when you think you look cool so you can post it on FACEBOOK. So you take it yourself and try to crop your arm out of the shot and make it look like someone just happened to catch you solo, laughing enormously at something funny at sunset on your back porch with fall foliage bursting in the background and the sky is perfectly blue. Not staged at all. Oh, and you brushed your teeth before the "arm" took the picture. Maybe that's just me.
Why is the world so quickly falling in love with and then becoming crack-embroiled in the workings of a free website designed to expand social interaction? I'll tell you why...because it's like going back in a time machine and having a beer with your friends without having to also find them a ride home/pay the tab/explain why you hit on their girlfriend/laugh at their receeding hairlines/actually go to your reunions/express how you really feel/deal with your past sins/see how it all turned out for your enemies/root for the saved ones/see who is dead/see who got married despite your belief they never would/check out their weird looking offspring/show off your non-weird, perfectly awesome looking offspring/boast of your accomplishments/pretend you love hip-hop/discuss politics without having to debate in person/and end your chat sessions with a "gotta run!" rather than sneaking out the back door of the party kind of hangout.
(As much as I'd like to admit that that was a run on sentence for those of you that monitor that kind of thing, I will tell you now that it wasn't even close to being a run on sentence and that this sentence is a run on sentence if there ever was a run on sentence in the history of run on sentences.)
I have friends that rode motorcycles through graveyards aimlessly while flipping through porno mags and drinking Nighttrain who now regularly post things like, "Me and Tyler are going to Elmo on Ice at 3:00!!! Can't wait!" What I wouldn't give for a time machine to go back to '85 and show that guy his status in 2009.
FACEBOOK. HEROIN. SLOT MACHINES. ROOTING FOR THE CUBS. WATCHING DANCING WITH THE STARS. EATING A GALLON OF ICE CREAM. What do these things all have in common?
Nothing. The rest are just things you do when you're bored and have low self esteem. Facebook is the most serious addiction problem facing our nation today*. In fact*, a recent study showed that 97 of 100 polled Americans replied that they update their "Status" on Facebook every time they urinate...
*Not really fact. Repeat, completely made-up gibberish. Kind of like Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Maybe the best way to accentuate my point would be to take you on a little tour of my personal Facebook page to shed some light on the seriousness of the problem
Perhaps the most troubling thing to jump up on my home page is the bartering from Mafia Wars. What is it you ask? I don't know. Someone from East Lansing just asked someone from Georgia to send them a Five of Diamonds and then offered to reciprocate with a rare painting from Michaelangelo in order to boost their energy.
I am completely lost and don't play Mafia Wars...but every one of my 312 (jealous?) friends does, and somehow I think I'm missing out on some free cash or real crack or a shot at being the Dom. (Which would suck, because I need all that stuff)
Which of the Four Beatles are you Most Like?
My friend Sharon from Valencia is most like John. Good to know in case we ever meet in person.
Which cities have you ever lived in? I saw one the other day that said (not making this up*) 1.)Casper, WY 2.) Mills, WY 3.) Alcova, WY 4.) Caspar, WY 5.) Bangkok, Thailand in a tent for four painful months and then hurried back to Mills after a severe caning.
*Fabricated. And not intended to poke fun at Casper, I love Casper.
I look at my Facebook page through my mobile phone a couple times a day, just to make sure people are:
-Awake!
-Having coffee!
-Playing with the kids!
-Loving this coffee!
-Can't believe it's Monday!
-Ready for Friday!!!!!!
-Need some more Java!!
-Eating some lunch at a restaurant!
-Is. (This one gets me every time...so existential. I've done it. Chris Keefe (dramatic pause) is.)
-Ready to go home!!
-Eating a snack!!
-Hating this job, so I need some COFFEE!
-Driving an automobile and eating a snack and posting my status as to such!
-Having beers! (insert wine, cocktails, drinks, etc. Nobody ever seems to say: "Myron Elkenstock is: blowing up a fatty with strangers!" or, "Kelly Junkolowski is: hallucinating and stabbing homeless people!!" or Leroy Keller is: not going to to take it anymore, fellow Postal Workers!")
-Ready for bed! :(
-Cannot sleep...:(
-Awake and mainlining REDBULL!!
But I love this stuff. It helps me understand how normal I am to care about it and to hope that other people care about me.
My greatest thrill is to post something like, "Chris is: having a difficult time understanding the contents of his briefcase!!?? WTF?? " and having 35 people say they "Like This!" or comment about the time they found a dead squirrel in their briefcase and had to explain it away to the authorities. It makes me feel real and normal and connected.
Thanks, Facebook creator, for giving me a class reunion every 11 minutes.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Grizzly Mom



Is there any more indelible bond in the world than that of a woman and her child? Is it possible for any more powerful a love to exist inside a human heart than the love that a mother has for her child? I could argue that I love my own children as much, or that my Dad loves me as much, but I’m pretty sure I’d lose the argument if I sat down with a group of mothers and tried my case.

Mothers are different. Even in the animal kingdom do mothers stand out. A snarling Grizzly bear you see on the Discovery Channel ferociously slapping something around or making a meal out of it generally makes me say, “Something made that guy mad…look at him!”
Then the narrator will chime in with something like, “Phil and his fellow campers should have known better than to get too close to the cubs of a mother Grizzly bear, and they paid dearly for their ignorance, as she feasts on them like kabobs at a Sunday picnic.” The father grizzly bear is probably sleeping in a tree or scratching his butt on an old stump about three miles away while momma bear wipes her face clean with Phil’s tent. Nothing against Dads (mine or myself)...we just more than likely have a game to watch or some home improvement project to ruin.

My Mom is different than all other Moms…because she is mine. I make no claim to her being better, smarter, wiser, more protective or anything else than your Mom, but she is by virtue of the fact she’s my Mom. Anyone who makes the claim that their Mom is the best is right.

It’s an argue-free zone.

If you believe you have the best Mom, you’re right. Tomorrow is April 20th and it’s her birthday. I can hardly believe that in August, when I turn 39, I will be the same age as my Mom... but she never lies and assures me that it’s true.

My Mom (and I share her with my brothers, but still, for this purpose she’s mine) taught me more about life than every textbook rolled up into one. She fought dragons for me when I was surrounded by them, rode in on a white horse and snatched from certain doom thirty or forty times and she loved me fully even when I made monstrous mistakes. Now this might sound a lot like your Mom…but it’s not. It’s mine.

Some people fight addiction, money troubles, relationship battles or physical woes as they grow older. Many Moms fight the battle of loneliness that my Mom fights. She has three boys, physically and mentally engineered to grow old and start a life without her…and we did. Two of us live kind of close, and one of us lives farther away. We rarely go home to see her, call almost as infrequently, and always kind of scratch our heads when we feel bad for being “absent” or “busy”, because we are busy and it causes us to be absent, and just what does she want from us? To drop everything, quit our jobs, get divorced and move back into the basement??!!!

Nope. Just a phone call. Just an email. Just an occasional drop-in for no reason. That’s all.

Alas, life is weird and difficult and hectic and fast paced and doesn’t slow down unless you tell it to. So, Mom, please know that on this day, I am going to concentrate on you the way I know you spend each of your days, thinking about, praying for and loving your boys.

You already know that we are sorry for being distant. You already know that we have kids and wives and jobs and responsibilities…you were here in our shoes once. We don’t need to explain it to you. We get it, and we recognize that a mother Grizzly bear would run twenty miles to catch up with her stray cub and swat Phil and his evil camping buddies into the next campground, even if the little cub hadn’t roared out to her or scratched a “hello” into a tree for her in months. She listens for him, instinctively know when he needs help, and would gladly go defend her boy, cuddle and clean him up and then hunt for and deliver him a hot meal. Then off he’d go again, wandering into the woods to become a man…

Thank you for being my Grizzly bear, Laney Keefe. Have a great birthday, know that we love you second most to how much you love us. Consider this, however far from an aged Aspen you may be, my “hello in the tree bark".

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Corks, Dogs and Goats: Turning 40 in Napa






Local grape stompers call the Silverado Trail, a beautiful winding two-lane that juts up the Napa Valley, "the road less traveled" in order to entice you toward it. I think they do that to keep you off I-29, the road they travel to get to and from work and home. Either way, when we spilled onto it from the Oak Knoll cut across, we felt like we'd found the secret passage into wine heaven...




You only turn 40 once in your life, after that, you just turn 39 until you look 60. Then, you just turn and hope people don't notice. Turning 40 was cause enough for our friend Liz to ask four more of us to join her and her husband Courtney on an adventure into Napa. I jumped at the chance mostly because I've been promising my wife an anniversary trip (15) since our anniversary (last September), but also because I needed some culture in my life. I've never really been a big "try new stuff" kind of guy, so the prospect of dropping everything and drifting along the coastal grapevines in search of newness sounded refreshing for the old psyche...




I figured Napa would be like Jackson Hole or Vail, where the locals tolerate you long enough for you to pay for your lodging, then begin to ignore you unless you're holding a Benjamin to pay for your muffin and coffee (and to give you the $9 in change.) I expected the wineries to be crowded, crammed with dorks like me who asked stupid questions and can only pretend to understand the answers. I expected the wine to kind of bore me, and that the grapes wouldn't fit their way into my memory as they are lifeless fruit with little to offer aside from hanging there. I expected repetition from the winemakers and tour guides...that each would be French and ask us hicks from Missourah exactly when we'd be leaving town, so that they could mark their calendars for the big "We have our town back party".




Luckily, I was dead wrong on every account.




Our pilot on arrival day was Albert, who at the ripe age of 44 was the senior member of the group. He spoke in a knowing and Patriarchal tone that earned him the nickname "Daddy" for the rest of the trip. As Daddy pointed the minivan north, he and Courtney commanded we see the ocean near Half Moon Bay. Good choice, it turns out, as we wouldn't otherwise have seen it aside from the Alcatraz view-stop on the north side of the Golden Gate. We hiked down a 50 foot cliff to dip our toes and feel coastal, and it was just blustery enough to fill our noses with a chill and turn our toes blue in the lapping surf. We had a nice lunch and then headed to Napa...I was feeling California and looking Minnesota.




Traffic? None. It was a Thursday afternoon and we were terribly fortunate to move freely up the 101 with good music and the wind blaring simultaneously. We checked in to the Marriot Resort and Spa in Napa, which I recommend for their hot tub, location right off 29, and reasonable price. They also have a free wine "tasting" from 5:30 to 6:30 every night in which the lobby begins to resemble the stock market trading floor until the last bottle is uncorked. They serve free Starbucks each morning from 6:30-7:30 as well, and near as I can tell, gave away about 6 cups of coffee the entire time we were there. People like to take it easy in Napa.




Wineries open at 10 and close at 5 in the Valley. You see, these people don't just work there...they sometimes live there and always entertain during the day, which oftentimes means that they enjoy the fruits of their labor alongside the guests. Try drinking wine all day and starting your work day at 8:00...




We muddled over our nearly 600 choices of where to go and scoured recommendations from friends (big thanks to all that gave us tips). The biggest lesson I learned in Napa: Nothing anyone tells you means anything. No tips were 100% guranteed to be great. Everyone had a story and an opinion. Timing was critical to your enjoyment of a venue. Every person we met had been somewhere other than where we had been. In a three day trip, there is simply too much to choose from to even plan, so we chose to drift until we hit the spot that looked right. We never made a bad choice except to listen to the concierge on Thursday night, who sent us to eat at Celadon, a pricey and plain restaraunt that was just a little too full of itself. Good calamari, rough on the pocket book. We ordered a $35 dollar bottle of Canyon Force Caberbet and without knowing it, got served a bottle of Wild Horse Cheval. When the bill came and we saw a slight price difference, ($35 vs. $105...) I felt like a tourist. Luckily, they took responsibility for the error (force, horse...it's all the same) and that's where the bad stuff ended for the trip.




Friday was Liz's birthday and we got our first taste of the country. Taking the Silverado north, we first went into Stag's Leap, a big and beautiful building that had just opened when we walked in. They gave us some wine and the tip to go see Pine Ridge and Casa Nuestra, which is exactly what we did.




Our sommelier at Stag's Leap gave us the most in depth training course of the week. Eric taught us about "Bud Break" (the initial flowering of the grape) and that we were in town to witness the first of it. He also taught us about the goats wandering the vineyard, hired specifically to ensure organic eradication of the Blue Green Sharpshooter Aphids that destroy the vines. He also made all three of the redheads in our group dizzy. He was a good looking dude, I guess, but they all called him "Cute Eric" to his face. It was 11:00 and they were already buzzing. Rookies.




Casa Nuestra was our next stop and it was fantastic. 2500 cases of wine a year...no distribution. Buy it there or order it online. The first two stops made you feel small, with enormous tanks and vaulted ceilings...Casa Nuestra made you feel like you'd walked into someone's cabin. Technically, it was much smaller that a cabin, but more quaint. Grateful Dead posters and Elvis memorabilia covered the walls, along with an award plaque for "Napa's Most Dog Friendly Winery"... which turns out to be a monumental achievement as dog's are revered here the way cows are in India. One fat black lab had a collar with the ominous warning "NO FOOD" written in marker across it. He followed us the whole hour and a half we spent there, hoping I'd slip up and give him some scooby snacks.




I give Casa five stars for the hospitality, great wine and no self-absorptive bullshit attitude. We all bought wine from them, which is exactly why the little wineries have to put really good and genuine people at the forefront. Stephanie Trotter was our host, and she let us drink from the barrel with a big extractor that looked like a turkey baster...she was the only one who encouraged us to take our glass from the tasting room to the tour. Awesome. We did not have an appointment anywhere we went, and even though they generally like to know you are coming for staffing purposes, nobody turned us away. Napa people are extremely accommodating.




We scooted up to Dutch Henry winery next, enjoyed a taste and the company of three Airedales and two cats as our boorish English wine guide talked about the fact he only missed pub crawls and all day drinking from his days across the pond. The girls were getting tipsy now, so made our way into Oakville by cutting across Rutherford to hit Taylor's Automatic Refresher. Taylor's looks a lot like someone built a Sonic fifty years ago, then abandoned it until that morning. We were warned to get there before noon, and luckily did, just in time to spend $30 on two of the best burgers money can buy. Go to Taylor's Automatic Refresher when you go to Napa.




Moving north again, we wandered Calistoga and had a beer with the locals, window shopped and soaked in the afternoon sun, then retreated back down the Silverado to squeeze in one last bottle before the big birthday dinner. Liz wanted to have a drink on the balcony of Auberge de Soleil for the view, which was dizzying and terrific. We were totally out of place and most of cars in the parking lot have an MSRP equalling my mortgage, but it was worth it.




Birthday dinner was awesome at Don Giovanni's, where dogs and cats roamed the restaurant as well. We partied at the hotel afterward and ended up meeting some of the most interesting people on the trip in the hot tub each night. There really are no inhibitions after good wine and when you know you'll never see someone again, so I can't fault the girl from Duluth who told us that she "only wished I had the body for porn, since I think getting paid to get laid is a great idea." More power to you, uncensored girl from Duluth.




We started slow Saturday, hitting a bit of a wall from the 1:00 am PACIFIC shut down the night before. The best advice I can offer in this department is to pace yourself, eat any free bread they offer, have a glass of water for every taste of wine and eat meals. Then my friend, you are golden. Also, try a little hair of the grape that bit you, which is exactly what we did at PlumpJack, the Starbucks of wineries. The host at PlumpJack poured me a Cabernbet and said, "This is best served with white fish and Jack Johnson" who happened to be crooning "you better hope you're not alone" at that very instant. During our taste of their Merlot, he quipped that it was oaky, had some vanilla in it, and was really good alongside Dave Matthews. Right, right and right. PlumpJack was cool, restarted Daddy's motor, and fell on the Oakville cross road. We made our way over to 29 to hit the Oakville market with the notion of finding a hidden place to picnic on our last day in Napa. Candie and Liz ran the crowded aisles scooping up mustard, bread, cheeses and wine for the eventual feast. Outside the market, the traffic on 29 was getting heavy and ominous, and as we headed to the van, Courtney mentioned a sign that the store owner posted warning of a young Blackbird nest being guarded by the proud father of the babies. "He will attack your hair" the sign cautioned, so naturally, I coaxed Candie into seeing if this was true. This picture proves that Napa grocery store owners know what the hell they are talking about. Don't worry, she survived.


Our final winery was the most memorable by far. We departed from 29, and into an area I'm not sure we were even supposed to go. There were no other cars, a curvaceous and dangerous road up and into the mountainside. Our van strained at the pitch, and I wondered if we were nuts to drive that far out of the way for a winery we hadn't been told to see except by one person. We found the Robert Keenan vineyard at the dead end of a one lane road. The air was calm and the A-frame house that stored the wine was muted by two foot concrete walls, offering a 15 degree temp change when we stepped inside. We were met by a diminutive woman too hoarse to give us a more than a wave inside where she asked the same question as everyone else..."Do you have an appointment?" We didn't and she could have said sorry, goodbye. She was going to close in an hour (3:00) but graciously poured us a six flight wine tasting for free and cleaned up to leave as we sipped. We asked her if we could stay behind after she closed up and have our picnic and she told us to keep our wine glasses and simply leave them by the side door whenever we finished.


Folks, this was once in a lifetime. We sat in the dying california sun and ate and drank like retirees. We laughed, took pictures, and were finally coaxed by Daddy to give ourselves a hiking tour of the vineyard. This place is set on the mountainside, and the terrain is ridiculously steep and lush. I won't ever forget those two hours on the hills of the Robert Keenan Winery. Please go there and buy his wine.


The next twelve hours were spent in winding down mode, though we ended the night hot with Beer can Chicken and another late run. Zero traffic driving back to San Jose Sunday morning and back to reality.


I may never see Napa again, but I want to. But like your first kiss, you never really get that moment back. It would never be quite the same, so maybe I'll simply cross it off my list and find the next place to culture me up. Cheers to five great travel mates, to the hills of the Napa Valley, to the locals who loved us for a weekend and their dogs, and Happy Anniversary, Kari. You get to pick our 20th adventure in 4 years...