Chips off the old block.

What makes someone a good father?

Is it the number of teams you coach for your kids?
Is it the number of dance or piano recitals you attend?
Is is the number of knots you fail to tie or tents you fail to pitch perfectly at boy scout camp?

The answer:
Yes. And no.

Is it the number of hours you work to provide the financial resources to attend boy scout camp?
Is it the number of baseball or football games you miss because of work?
Is it the number of sales calls you make to afford the new piano or guitar that make the recital possible?

The answer:
No. And yes.

Being a father is a balancing act of massive proportions. I honestly believe that being a mother is easier than being a father. Before you freak out (Moms)...

Imagine a rock, for argument's sake, that was "conceived" by virtue of two rocks rubbing against each other. The mother rock, in this case, gets larger while the baby rock is in incubation. They are one rock and they carry on like this for nearly a year like best friends with worlds of familiarity until the baby rock splits off one day and (yes, all the horrible pain of childbirth included) baby rock then immediately turns around and begins latching back on to Mama rock by design (in order to keep the natural order of the universe intact.) Meanwhile, proud Papa rock sits in the waiting room hoping that baby rock will even remotely resemble his shade and strata so that his friends don't make fun of him. Forget about how he's gonna pay for this avalanche...

Papa rock, you see, is not really a big part of the deal.

Salmon, whales, tigers (who eat their kids), and turtles are all the same. Absent as fathers from the beginning. Only in Emperor Penguins do the fathers suffer more than the mothers for the birth of the baby.*

*As far as I've ever learned from Nat Geo and that dancing penguin movie.

So, Dads, we have to earn it.

One dollar, one hour, one smile, one tempestuous fight at a time. We have to introduce ourselves to our kids in a way that mothers don't. We have to prove to our powerful mates that we have the right stuff to lead this bandwagon to the promised land. We have to show our daughters and sons that we are wise enough, sturdy enough, envisioned enough and loving enough to be their father. It's a difficult task.

Nobody ever questions who their mother is...but we all know the saying, "Who's your Daddy?"

Why?

I'll tell you why. Because your Daddy is the one who you listen to, respect and follow because he told you he was your Daddy. And he didn't lie about it. How else would you know?

I think that a good father has three traits:

-Love
-Compassion
-Balls

Take that however you will...there are many definitions for those words.

On this Father's Day, I want to thank my own father for having all three, though not necessarily all of them at the same time. We are all human, as it turns out. He is a man of great conviction, love and support. He has never wavered from his path and he is learning so many lessons as he grows and ages that I can truly be proud that anyone can ask me, "Who's your Daddy?" and I know the answer without a shadow of a doubt.

I hope my boys have the same red phone hotline my old man gives me. I hope they get the same amount of rope he gave me to go find my L,C and B.

Most of all, I hope he knows I love him and wish him a great Chip Off the Old Block Day.

Worst Funeral Song...Ever.

"Kiss me. Please kiss me. Kiss me out of desire, Baby, not consolation. Oh, you know it makes me so angry, cause I know that in time...I'll only make you cry. This is our last goodbye."
-Jeff Buckley

When my friend Sully and I were youngsters with boomboxes and magwheel bikes and no facial hair, we made promises to each other that would bind us as BFF's. The first one was a promise that we would be riding shotgun in the other one's car when we took our first solo drive as 16 year olds. Check. The second was that we would be at each other's weddings. Failure on my part, but not his. I shall never forgive myself.


The last was a promise I made to Sully that if I was to attend his funeral, I would make sure that whoever he had put in charge (future wife, children, lawyer or agent) would play the song "Bad" by U2. It's a phenomenal song, full of twisting logic, strong and purposeful prose and a halleluiah finish that would bring tears to a chunk of cinderblock. He surmised (and I agreed) that this song was the tear-jerker to cap off what would certainly have been a full life for Dan Sullivan. I will keep this promise (Steph), but I heard the song the other day on my IPod and it got me thinking...





What songs would you least like to be played at his or any other funeral?





Never mind the obvious thrash metal, profanity laced songs that end up causing many funerals. And never mind the songs that elicit too much sobbing (see the first line of this blog from J. Buckley). Just think of the ten songs that, if they began blaring over the loudspeakers, would make you the most insanely uncomfortable.





I've compiled my 10 favorite, and I invite you to delve into your future to do the same. Enjoy.





Number 10: "Pump Up The Jam"- Technotronic


This is the one that really got me thinking. I cannot imagine being in a church, sadly reminiscing about the loss of my friend/co-worker/what have you and this song coming on. Picture some innocent cousin of yours bobbing his head to the beat, not realizing that he was grooving. This is a really bad song anyway, but as a processional march it is pure genius.

Number 9: "Alive"- Pearl Jam

Big Pearl Jam fans cradled this song for years as a song of rebirth, strength and an anthem against hidden oppression. Aunt Linda in the 5th row pew would hear the refrain and probably break the casket open with a hatchet..."Oooooh, oooh, oooh, ooooh, oh I'm still ALIVE". Not the funniest one in the bunch, but the best punchline for the intended purpose.

Number 8: "I Did it All For the Nookie" - Limp Bizkit

Like a chump, like a chump, like chump...I just broke the rule of thrash metal/shock songs being included in the list. But in your heart of hearts, can't you imagine a black comedy with Will Ferrell where he dies and in the last scene, his mean wife who never loved him has to endure listening to this song while he looks on from heaven? I can, and it's funny.

Number 7: "Another One Bites The Dust" Queen

Shoot, even the Priest/Rabbi/Minister would chuckle and think, "That is one funny sumbitch..."
Especially if your name Steve.

Number 6: "Yellow Submarine" - The Beatles

Provided you planned far enough in advance to purchase a light colored wood for your casket, I think your Grandchildren would get this joke. That is, if they brought their IPhones to the service and could run that sweet App that identifies music and shows you the artist (since nobody under the age of 20 will be able to identify the Beatles in this country in 25 years.) Dear Michael Jackson....sell the the music back to Paul and pay off your debt, asshole.

Number 5: "Luck Be A Lady" - Frank Sinatra

You'd have to time the music so that it popped right into the chorus for this. You might also want to put baby wipes in the hymnal holders in case someone poops their pants out of sheer irony.


Number 4: "Too Sexy" Right Said Fred

A perfect choice for the vain. I'd choose it if I could be sure that I'd be interred with no shirt. Hell, I'm already bald, so now I just need some muscles.


Number 3: "Original Land of the Lost Theme Song"- Really bad hillbilly group sort of imitating Supertramp with a banjo

If you were born between 1960 and 1977, you can really appreciate how great this song would be to play at your funeral. Mostly for the sounds of the ferocious dinasour eating you. I would love to see a perceptive 8 year old's face if this song came on and he was trying to hold a candle. Priceless.

Number 2: " U Can't Touch This" MC Hammer

Such a catchy beat, I have a hard time imagining the altar boys not hammer dancing across the aisle. For an even funnier and more inappropriate version, click here to see Peter Griffin's way of kickin it. If your name is Peter and you die and you want people to laugh at your funeral, put this on the organ player's music holder.

Numero Uno: "Wake Me Up (Before you Go Go) - Wham

Wrong on nearly every level (beat, tempo, enthusiasm, lyrics ((especially the threatening line "I'm not plannin on goin solo!")) this is the all-time champion for FUNeral songs. If you really want to see people feel awkward, schedule this song to match the pallbearer march out of the hall. I, for one, don't want to miss it when you hit that high.